Grief, Loss and Bereavement

At our age, loss and letting go of what we cherish become prominent features of our lives.

At some point, we have all experienced grief, bereavement of the loss of a loved one, or the loss of "who we used to be". Yet, in our group, we rarely talk about it. Is it because no one in the group is experiencing or has recently experienced grief? Who knows.

Let's delve into this topic a bit so that we can at least bring some thoughts to the surface for you to consider.

What Is Grief?

Grief is a natural response to loss. It's the emotional suffering you feel when something or someone you love is taken away. Often, the pain of loss can feel overwhelming. You may experience all kinds of difficult and unexpected emotions, from shock or anger to disbelief, guilt, and profound sadness.

What Am I Thinking and Feeling?

The pain of grief can also damage your physical health, making it difficult to sleep, eat, or even think straight. These are normal reactions to loss -- and the more significant the loss, the more intense your grief will be.

Coping with the loss of someone or something you love is one of life's biggest challenges. You may associate grieving with bereavement, the death of a loved one -- which is often the cause of the most intense type of grief -- but any loss can cause grief.

What Are Common Sources of Grief?

It's a good bet that every man in our group has grieved over at least one of these events:

• Bereavement (the death of a loved one).
• Death of a pet.
• Divorce or relationship breakup.
• Loss of health or function.
• Loss of financial stability.
• Retirement.
• Loss of a cherished dream.
• A loved one's serious illness.
• Loss of a friendship.
• Loss of safety after a trauma.
• Selling or leaving the family home.
• Degradation of cognitive abilities.
• Moving to a new locale (loss of your "roots").
• Shrinking network of friends and social contacts as we age.
• Many subtle events and situations.

The grief of losing a loved one is probably the most difficult. Whether it's a close friend, spouse, partner, parent, child, or other relative, few things are as painful as losing someone you love. After such a significant loss, life may never be quite the same again.

Whatever the loss, it's personal to you, so no need to feel ashamed about how you feel, or believe that it's somehow only appropriate to grieve for certain things. If the person, animal, relationship, or situation was significant to you, it's normal to grieve the loss you're experiencing.

But in time, you can ease your sorrow, start to look to the future, eventually come to terms with your loss, find new meaning, and move on with your life.

How to Deal with the Grieving Process

Grieving is a highly individual experience. How you grieve depends on many factors, including your personality and coping style, your life experience, your faith, and how significant the loss was to you.

Inevitably, the grieving process takes time. Healing happens gradually; it can't be forced or hurried -- and there is no "normal" timetable for grieving. Some people start to feel better in weeks or months. For others, it takes years. So it's important to be patient with yourself and allow the process to naturally unfold.

There are ways cope with the pain, come to terms with your grief, and eventually, find a way to pick up the pieces and move on with your life.

• Acknowledge your pain.
• Accept that grief can trigger many different and unexpected emotions.
• Understand that your grieving process will be unique to you.
• Seek out face-to-face support from people who care about you.
• Support yourself emotionally by taking care of yourself physically.
• Recognize the difference between grief and depression.

Grief can be a roller coaster. With ups and downs, highs and lows. Like many roller coasters, the ride tends to be rougher in the beginning, the lows may be deeper and longer. The difficult periods should become less intense and shorter as time goes by, but it takes time to work through a loss.

Emotional Symptoms of Grief

While loss affects people in different ways, many of us experience the these symptoms when we're grieving.

Shock and disbelief. Right after a loss, it can be hard to accept what happened. You may feel numb, have trouble believing that the loss really happened, or even deny the truth. If a pet or someone you love has died, for example, you may keep expecting them to show up, even though you know they’re gone.

Sadness. Profound sadness is probably the most universally experienced symptom of grief. You may have feelings of emptiness, despair, yearning, or deep loneliness. You may also cry a lot or feel emotionally unstable.

Sadness Is Part of Life

Guilt. You may regret or feel guilty about things you did or didn't say or do. You may also feel guilty about certain feelings (feeling relieved when a person died after a long, difficult illness, for example). You may even feel guilty for not doing more to prevent the loss, even if it was completely out of your hands.

Fear. A significant loss can trigger a host of worries and fears. If you’ve lost your partner or your home, for example, you may feel anxious, helpless, or insecure about the future. The death of a loved one can provoke uncertainty and fears about your own mortality, of facing life without that person, or the responsibilities you now face alone.

Anger. Even if the loss was nobody's fault, you may feel angry and resentful. If you lost a loved one, you may be angry with yourself, God, the doctors, or even the person who died for abandoning you. You may feel the need to blame someone for the injustice that was done to you.

Physical Symptoms of Grief

Grief can also cause physical problems, including:

• Fatigue -- you feel exhausted and weak.
• Sleep issues -- hard to sleep, or you might sleep too much.
• Appetite changes -- you to eat more or less than usual.
• Headaches.
• Nausea or upset stomach.
• Chest pain -- feeling of tightness or heaviness in your chest or throat.
• Shortness of breath -- hard to breathe.
• Dizziness.
• Aches and pains -- body aches, joint pain, or unexplained aches and pains.
• Restlessness -- feel restless, moving from one activity to another.
• Immune system weakness -- weaken your immune system, making you more likely to get sick.
• Oversensitivity to noise.
• Dry mouth.

Other Types of Grief and Loss

Loss can take myriad forms. Here are a few of the less common ones.

Anticipatory grief. This is the experience of significant loss before the event. If a family member is terminally ill or your beloved pet is in bad shape, you may start grieving your loss before it has fully unfolded.

Like conventional grief, anticipatory grief can involve a mix of confusing emotions, particularly anger. Some people even equate it to giving up hope and refuse to allow themselves to grieve before their loss has occurred. However, anticipatory grief can also give you chance to prepare for your loss, resolve any unfinished business, or say your goodbyes. 

Disenfranchised grief. This can occur when your loss is devalued, stigmatized, or cannot be openly mourned. Some people may minimize the loss of a pet or a friendship, for example, as something that’s not worth grieving over. Or, you may feel stigmatized if you lost a loved one to suicide.

Disenfranchised grief can also occur when your relationship to a deceased is not recognized. For example, some may consider it inappropriate to grieve for a work colleague, classmate, mentor or neighbor. As a close friend or same-sex partner you may be denied the same sympathy and understanding as a blood relative. This can make it even more difficult to come to terms with your loss and navigate the grieving process.

Complicated grief. The pain of a significant loss may fade but never completely disappear. It may keep you from resuming your daily life and relationships. Complicated grief usually arises from the death of a loved one, where the loss has left you stuck in a state of bereavement. You may be unable to accept that your loved one has gone, search for them in familiar places, experience intense longing, or even feel that life isn't worth living.

If you're experiencing complicated grief and the pain from your loss remains unresolved, it's appropriate to reach out for support and take the steps that will enable you to heal.

How Can You Find Support for Grief and Loss?

The pain of grief can often cause you to want to withdraw from others and retreat into your shell. But having the face-to-face support of other people is vital to healing from loss.

While sharing your loss can make the burden of grief easier to carry, that doesn't mean that every time you interact with friends and family, you need to talk about your loss. Comfort can also come from just being around others who care about you. The key is not to isolate yourself.

Turn to friends and family members. Now is the time to lean on the people who care about you, even if you take pride in being strong and self-sufficient. Rather than avoiding them, draw friends and loved ones close, spend time together face to face, and accept the assistance that's offered.

Often, people want to help but don't know how, so tell them what you need -- whether it's a shoulder to cry on, a listening ear, or just someone to hang out with. If you don’t feel you have anyone you can regularly connect with in person, it’s never too late to build new friendships.

Accept that many people feel awkward when trying to comfort someone who’s grieving. Grief can be a confusing, sometimes frightening emotion for many people, especially if they haven't experienced a similar loss themselves. They may feel unsure about how to comfort you and end up saying or doing the wrong things. But no need to use that as an excuse to retreat into your shell. If a friend or loved one reaches out to you, it's because they care.

Draw comfort from your faith. If you follow a religious or spiritual tradition, embrace the comfort its mourning rituals can provide. Spiritual activities that are meaningful to you -- such as praying, meditating, rituals or going to church -- can offer solace.

Join a support group. Grief can feel very lonely, even when you have loved ones around. Sharing your sorrow with others who have experienced similar losses can help. To find a bereavement support group in your area, contact the Greenwood Senior Center or a counseling center for referrals.

Talk to a therapist or grief counselor. If your grief feels like too much to bear, find a mental health professional with experience in grief counseling. 

Beware of how you use social media. Social media can be useful in letting others know about your loss and reaching out for support. However, it can also attract Internet trolls. Limit your social media use to closed groups if you can.

What You Can Do to Take Care of Yourself

When you’re grieving, it's more important than ever to take care of yourself. The stress of a major loss can deplete your energy and emotional reserves. Take steps to preserve your physical and mental health as you proceed through your grieving process.

Face your feelings. You can try to suppress your grief, but you can't avoid it forever. In order to heal, you need to acknowledge the pain. Trying to avoid feelings of sadness and loss only prolongs the grieving process. Unresolved grief can also lead to complications such as depression, anxiety, substance abuse, and health problems.

Express your feelings in a tangible or creative way. Even if you're not able to talk about your loss with others, it can help to write down your thoughts and feelings in a journal. Or you could release your emotions by making a scrapbook or volunteering for a cause related to your loss.

Maintain your hobbies and interests. There's comfort in routine and getting back to the activities that bring you joy and connect you closer to others can help you come to terms with your loss and aid the grieving process.

Don't let anyone tell you how to feel, and don't tell yourself how to feel either. Your grief is your own, and no one else can tell you when it's time to "move on" or "get over it." Let yourself feel whatever you feel without embarrassment or judgment.

Look after your physical health. Mind and body are connected. When you feel healthy physically, you’ll be better able to cope emotionally. Combat stress and fatigue by getting enough sleep, eating right, and exercising. Avoid alcohol or drugs to self-medicate, numb the pain of grief, or lift your mood artificially.

Plan ahead for grief "triggers." Anniversaries, holidays, and important milestones can reawaken painful memories and feelings. Be prepared for an emotional wallop, and know that it's completely normal. You can plan ahead by making sure that you're not alone or by marking your loss in a creative way.

How to Relate to Someone Who Is Grieving or Bereaved

Know what to say to someone who's grieving. While we may worry about what to say to a grieving person, it's actually more important to listen. Often, well-meaning people avoid talking about the death or change the subject when the deceased person is mentioned. Or, knowing there's nothing they can say to make it better, they try to avoid the grieving person altogether.

However, those experiencing grief or are bereaved need to feel that their loss is acknowledged, not too terrible to talk about, and their loved one won't be forgotten.

One day they may want to cry. On another day they may want to vent, sit in silence, or share memories. By being present and listening compassionately, you can take your cues from the grieving person. Simply being there and listening to them can be a huge source of comfort and healing.

How to talk -- and listen -- to someone who’s grieving. While it's not helpful to try to force someone to open up, it's important to let your grieving friend or loved one know that you're there to listen if they want to talk about their loss.

Talk candidly about the person who died and don't steer away from the subject if the deceased's name comes up. And when it seems appropriate, ask sensitive questions -- without being nosy -- that invite the grieving person to openly express their feelings. By simply asking, "Do you feel like talking?", you're letting your loved one know that you're available to listen.

We All Need to Feel Heard

Also, you can acknowledge the situation. For example, you could say something as simple as: "I heard that your wife died." By using the word "died", you’ll show that you're more open to talk about how the grieving person really feels.

Express your concern. For example: "I’m sorry to hear that this happened to you."

Let the bereaved talk about how their loved one died. People who are grieving may need to tell the story over and over again, sometimes in minute detail. Be patient. Repeating the story is a way of processing and accepting the death. With each retelling, the pain lessens. By listening patiently and compassionately, you're helping your friend or loved one heal.

What to Avoid Saying to Someone Who's Grieving

"It's part of God's plan." This platitude can anger people. Often, they'll respond with, "What plan? Nobody told me about any plan."

"Look at what you have to be thankful for." They know they have things to be thankful for, but right now they are not important.

"He’s in a better place now." The bereaved may or may not believe this. Keep your beliefs to yourself unless asked.

"This is behind you now; it’s time to get on with your life." Sometimes the bereaved are resistant to getting on with because they feel this means "forgetting" their loved one. Besides, moving on is much easier said than done. Grief has a mind of its own and works at its own pace.

Avoid statements that begin with "You should" or "You will." These statements are too directive. Instead you could begin your comments with: "Have you thought about…" or "You might try…"

Offer Practical Assistance

It is difficult for many grieving people to ask for help. They might feel guilty about receiving so much attention, fear being a burden to others, or simply be too depressed to reach out. A grieving person may not have the energy or motivation to call you when they need something.

So instead of saying, "Let me know if there’s anything I can do," make it easier for them by making specific suggestions. You could say, "I’m going to the market this afternoon. What can I bring you from there?" or "I’ve made beef stew for dinner. When can I come by and bring you some?"

If you're able, try to be consistent in your offers of assistance. The grieving person will know that you'll be there for as long as it takes and can look forward to your attentiveness without having to make the additional effort of asking again and again.

Resources for Dealing with Grief

A men's group member has suggested these resources.

"I recommend the books of Malidoma and Sobunfu Some. They offer practices for how to grieve that have been very powerful for many people. Also the talk “Grief and Praise” by Martin Prechtel is available online, and incredibly powerful."

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